Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i've created a new STD.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
