I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
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did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
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Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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