Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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