So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
