You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
