my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
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I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point