When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...