Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
