Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
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This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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