I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
