I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Found your dick twin last night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
