Cold hands, warm shart.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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