Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
