i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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