at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
