Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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