what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
