Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
