i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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