i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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