you guys were way drunker than both of me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
