this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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