i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
