The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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