Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
