when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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