Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
