some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
