Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
