He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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