"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
