Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
