Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
