I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
