a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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