my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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