she woke up with a sticky ear
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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