Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
