apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
