I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize