Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
