Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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