My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
