I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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