i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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