i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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