She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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