so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
