If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Iāve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about āhow to eat assā. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but itās needs to chill
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
