Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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