Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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