So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
