He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
