you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
