it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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