Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
