I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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