she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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