I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
